It's a sex thing.....kinda

Hiya
So....Most of you know Im no longer a single man. This means that  a portion of my time is taken up by sighing out of the window, worrying why the other person hasn't texted, and getting embarrassed when people ask me how things are going.
Now as we know the internet is a vast, informative, mass of half backed theory's, bigotry and people being simply 'wrong'. Never was this more proven to me when I googled 'how to turn her on'
Now let me pause here for one second. I was simply looking for ideas and get that expression off your face, we are all adults here. Sheesh.
Anyway, what I found both stunned and frankly amused the crap outta me. Now let me re-iterate these came under the heading of SEX tips and by all means , ladies or gents, if you disagree with me then by all means tell me.
So these are the top six, why six? because I like to take it one step further my friends, best/worst ones I found
1.Buy her some lacy underwear and then pass them too her under the table at dinner. Its fun, a little naughty and she can model them for you later.
 What?? seriously? "Hun, here are some pants, nip into the ladies and stick 'em on will you"
Lets set aside for one second the mine field that is buying women clothing 'you think im WHAT size!??' and just focus on the fact that this is just nasty. Its not even wrapped, they could belong to anyone. infact im surprised thats not part of the tip " Why dont you save money by using some of your ex's that you kept" shudder
2.Wear her name. She will love that you are always on her mind.
Actually this would work. Well in that if you walked around with the name 'Sally' or 'Tiffany' around your neck it would mean you would never have a chance to cheat on your better half. Also this season the 'girlfriends name ankle bracelet. Comes in four stunning colours
3Leave love notes around her house. On the fridge door, in the oven, in the pantry, under her pillow. She will go around like a love sick teen all day.
 I love this one especially because it was written by a women. And lets just think for a second what these notes will say?? 
'Thinking of you', as she thinks...'how did he get in my house to plant this....is he still here??'
'you're my best friend' she thinks ' urr no my best friend is sally in accounting, seriously did he make himself a key?
Also did u notice many of the notes were kitchen related? Perhaps women should do the opposite. Leave post-its around the house for the man in her life
"Aim when you pee".
"are those dishes still there?"
4Stash a photo of her in your wallet. She'll deny it of course but all women have a rummage. Why not turn it to your advantage.
So what they are saying here is 1.  ( yes its a list within a list, list-ception, get over it) its perfectly acceptable for your misses to go through your stuff ??!2. you should trick her into thinking the picture is a sweet gesture when really its manipulation. 3. hell while ur at it you should stuff some pretend incriminating evidence in her house so u can 'stumble across it' at a later date so you can use it against her in-case you fuck up
5The 'no more' move. During foreplay simply stop and ask her what you should do next. It will get her mind whirling with thoughts and may surprise you both.
I included this because apart from anything else its an actual SEX tip. So few were. So tell me ladies and gents. Really. If you and your partner are engaging in some fun and suddenly one stops looks you up at you with those big green/blue/brown eyes and says " what do i do now?"
On a scale of 1 to jonny depp your pretty much....."Wow is that the time? I have to wash my dog and feed my hair ok byeeee"




6Make yourself sick. Women love to take care of their men. Especially when they are ill
 This is the one that inspired me to do this blog. Has this person ever met a women? for that matter have they ever encountered a man when he's ill. Can you think of a more depressing, pathetic, heap of used tissue than a guy when he's ill?? And again note the scemeing, twisting nature of this MAKE yourself ill?? what the FUCK is that?!?!?


So to conclude I would say that the internet is a treasure trove of every perverted image, video and story you can conceive of but when it actually comes down to having sex its clear that its run by computer nerds who have never touched boob
Till next time, ttfn