I love films. Ever since my dad took me to see Indiana Jones and the last crusade I've been in love with the fact it takes you away from all this for two hours. The spectacle of it all makes me happy in the brain. I also love the cinema experience as well, the smell of popcorn, the laughably over priced snacks I even enjoy the bit where it goes
Drrum Drum, Drrum Drum.. Drururururu Drum Drum.
Da dadada - da da da da da dah - dada da da da da da da da du da da, dadada.. drum.
Du du du duu, DAMDADAM.. du du du duu, DAMDADADAM.. du du du DUU, DADADADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM DRUM!
However there is something I don't like about it. Something that makes me want to watch pirated DVDs or stream films where I watch them through a letter box sized opening
it's people. The masses. The bastards!
So I thought Id make a list of the types that I hate so you can avoid them more easily.
Number 5.
The VIP.
The VIP is someone who is far too important to A turn their phone off ( and im some cases even turn the sound OFF) and B must check everything every day. This is a realitivly new annoyance but one that grows with each passing day. They do the rounds on their texts then facebook then twitter and before long they are illuminating their little bit of the cinema with their 1.21 gigawatt screen and laughing at tumblr posts while your chew your own liver in frustration.
What can you do?
Most cinemas have a strict policy on anyone 'pirating' their films so you could always tell an usher that what the VIP is doing. If you don't want to take such drastic steps Id suggest moving. You dare not anger the VIP. they can destroy you with 145 characters no sweat.
Number 4.
The kicker.
"Help me 'DUNT' obi-one kenobi 'DUNT' you're my only 'DUNT hope 'DUNT'
Sigh. You are enjoying the film, you imerced in the story fully. Except some twat face is kicking the chair you are sitting in out of boredom emphasis or they have fault a cinema rat crawl up their trouser leg. ( they are no joke, they feed on the mutant popcorn and some are as big as small dogs) Its worse if its a comedy because they will kick the chair with every giggle
heDUNTheDUNTheDUNT
What can you do?
Sometimes its a mistake so simply mentioning it to them is enough to get them to stop but every now and then they can get agressive. And you know how powerful their kicks are. If this happens upend your popcorn over their head and hope the suffocate in fake butter
Number 3.
The clueless
Whats happening now? Why did they go in their? Is that the killer? Whoes that?
WE DONT FUCKING KNOW OK!!! WE KNOW AS MUCH AS YOU. WE ARE WATCHING THE SAME FILM!!!!
For some reason the clueless has escaped their minder and wandered into a film screening. Hopefully the darkness will convince them its night time and they will fall asleep before you are forced to put an end to their suffering.
What can you do?
Move. Entering into a dialogue with the clueless is like a broken pencil. Pointless
Number 2.
The person with kids
Ok so this might be an unpopular one.
And before you ask, no. I don't have kids of my own.
However, if i did. I wouldn't take them to a film until they are AT LEAST 10.
You see its very much like taking them to a restaurant , other people are there to get away from their lives for 40 minutes or so and if they have to deal with a screaming, puking, talking ball of goo then you are ruining that for them. I'm not sure why so many people think that kids will be able to sit for two hours in a dark room without having some kind of ADHD fit but they do.
What can you do?
Nothing. You cant talk about other peoples kids. They dont like it
Number 1.
The grazer
The anger sharks are swimming in my head.
Nothing annoys me more than some .....some.......BASTARD who has decided that while everyone else is sitting quietly he/she will commence eating. I saw one women once with a bloody picnic basket!. Im suprised she didn't put a tartan blanket down! I had half a mind to join her and ask if she had eaten all the sausage rolls yet.
There is a time to eat, several in fact, during the day. Not one of those times is.
"when other people are trying to watch the film"
Some special place in hell should be reserved for folk who bring individually wrapped toffees into a movie
Crinkle, crinkle, CRINKLE, crinkle. POP. nom, glop, smak, smak, glop, blort...........crinkle, crinkle
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What can you do?
Call the paramedics and tell them someone has only minutes to live because someone has taken some toffees and made a move goer completely air tight.
Anyway, I've got to head there. I'm away to see a film....
ttfn
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