Its a movie thing

Hullo, 
I love films. Ever since my dad took me to see Indiana Jones and the last crusade I've been in love with the fact it takes you away from all this for two hours. The spectacle of it all makes me happy in the brain. I also love the cinema experience as well, the smell of popcorn, the laughably over priced snacks I even enjoy the bit where it goes

Drrum Drum, Drrum Drum.. Drururururu Drum Drum.

Da dadada - da da da da da dah - dada da da da da da da da du da da, dadada.. drum.

Du du du duu, DAMDADAM.. du du du duu, DAMDADADAM.. du du du DUU, DADADADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM DRUM!

However there is something I don't like about it. Something that makes me want to watch pirated DVDs or stream films where I watch them through a letter box sized opening

it's people. The masses. The bastards!

So I thought Id make a list of the types that I hate so you can avoid them more easily.

Number 5.

The VIP.

The VIP is someone who is far too important to A turn their phone off ( and im some cases even turn the sound OFF) and B must check everything every day. This is a realitivly new annoyance but one that grows with each passing day. They do the rounds on their texts then facebook then twitter and before long they are illuminating their little bit of the cinema with their 1.21 gigawatt screen and laughing at tumblr posts while your chew your own liver in frustration.

What can you do?

Most cinemas have a strict policy on anyone 'pirating' their films so you could always tell an usher that what the VIP is doing. If you don't want to take such drastic steps Id suggest moving. You dare not anger the VIP. they can destroy you with 145 characters no sweat.

Number 4.

The kicker.

"Help me 'DUNT' obi-one kenobi 'DUNT' you're my only 'DUNT hope 'DUNT'

Sigh. You are enjoying the film, you imerced in the story fully. Except some twat face is kicking the chair you are sitting in out of boredom  emphasis or they have fault a cinema rat crawl up their trouser leg. ( they are no joke, they feed on the mutant popcorn and some are as big as small dogs) Its worse if its a comedy because they will kick the chair with every giggle

heDUNTheDUNTheDUNT

What can you do?

Sometimes its a mistake so simply mentioning it to them is enough to get them to stop but every now and then they can get agressive. And you know how powerful their kicks are. If this happens upend your popcorn over their head and hope the suffocate in fake butter

Number 3.

The clueless

Whats happening now? Why  did they go in their? Is that the killer? Whoes that?  

WE DONT FUCKING KNOW OK!!! WE KNOW AS MUCH AS YOU. WE ARE WATCHING THE SAME FILM!!!!

For some reason the clueless has escaped their minder and wandered into a film screening. Hopefully the darkness will convince them its night time and they will fall asleep before you are forced to put an end to their suffering.

What can you do?

Move. Entering into a dialogue with the clueless is like  a broken pencil. Pointless

Number 2.

The person with kids

Ok so this might be an unpopular one. 

And before you ask, no. I don't have kids of my own.

However, if i did. I wouldn't take them to a film until they are AT LEAST 10.

You see its very much like taking them to a restaurant , other people are there to get away from their lives for 40 minutes or so and if they have to deal with a screaming, puking, talking ball of goo then you are ruining that for them. I'm not sure why so many people think that kids will be able to sit for two hours in a dark room without having some kind of ADHD fit but they do.

What can you do?

Nothing. You cant talk about other peoples kids. They dont like it

Number 1.

The grazer

The anger sharks are swimming in my head. 

Nothing annoys me more than some .....some.......BASTARD who has decided that while everyone else is sitting quietly he/she will commence eating. I saw one women once with a  bloody picnic basket!. Im suprised she didn't put a tartan blanket down! I had half a mind to join her and ask if she had eaten all the sausage rolls yet. 

There is a time to eat, several in fact, during the day. Not one of those times is. 

"when other people are trying to watch the film"

Some special place in hell should be reserved for folk who bring individually wrapped toffees into a movie

Crinkle, crinkle, CRINKLE, crinkle. POP. nom, glop, smak, smak, glop, blort...........crinkle, crinkle

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What can you do?

Call the paramedics and tell them someone has only minutes to live because someone has taken some toffees and made a move goer completely air tight.

Anyway, I've got to head there. I'm away to see a film....

ttfn

It's a technology thing.....again

HI!!
So I got my new PC, well my dads old PC, but its stilll 3 years more advanced than my old one. Now this comes with its own problems namly remembering ever bloody password you have ever typed into everything. One day im going to have one password for everything but of course thats not safe. You would be just aswell having it as a post-it nots on your monator wich by the way ive seen people do.
Anyway.....
Im also downloading all my games back onto the PC.
It was all going fine, well as fine as sitting watching progress bars for a day goes. Untill i came across one game
Batman arkam city.
A good game and one i didnt really get a chance to play before my old computer, mayherestinpeace, went bye bye.  So In order to get it to run i must first
1.download steam. (time 10.45)
2.remember my password, after a few tries I get it right ( this only took 5 minutes and was by far the easiest step)
3.Down load the game, now my dads connection is good so I only had to sit for 20 minutes stairing at a screen
4.Click play ( this is where the problems, reeeeeeealy started)
5.upon hitting play a message chimes saying it needs updates. huh.... shouldnt that have done that automatically when i downloaded it? well never mind
6.more watching progress bars
7.click play again. this time it says cos this is the first time running this game on this PC it needs a systems check.
8.progress bar....
9.hit play ( this time the click is done with more force necassary, always a danger sign) enter your 14 digit product code? well its usually on the box but this was a digital down load. the only way to access it is to find it on steam. It..it wont let me click anything except on the red X or the boxes where the numbers should go. Finally quit out of the game and go back to steam. 'Copy' the numbers onto the mouse and then load the game up again.
10. 10 steps already and ive not even gotten to a menu yet.....
anyway
11.The boxes wont let me 'paste' the numbers in. I have to do it manually. Which means I have to quit out AGAIN and copy them all down. Except the house is going through the great pen and paper drought of  2012 to I take a picture on my phone.( By this time sweat has begun to pool  from my brow and im getting a headache)
12. I put the numbers in
13. i put the numbers in again because ive put 43 instead of 34. Dyslexia FTW
14. A MENU!!!. Hit play game
15. i must be signed into window live to play this enter my password??.....FUCKING!!!...no its fine, its fine..
16. enter several wrong passwords before giving up and saying ive forgotten, they send me an email with a link, I follow the link, re-enter the new password aaaaand, still doesnt work (Time: 11.32)
17.try it again, several more times before realiseing as its microsoft they are only going to allow my hotmail account not my yahoo one. Which means the business with the changing passwords has wasted time and will never work. why do they allow me to do this then? Why? Why not JUST FUCKING....deep breath
18 ok finally sign into windows live......windows live would like to update. NO FUCK OFF I WANT TO PLAY!!!!!
Windows live will not save youre game if you dont update.
DONT THREATEN ME YOU TWAT
FINE!! fine, update then......
19.Windows live will require a few minutes...loading screen
20.there is a new licence agreement...I agree
21. its deleated all my saves.....
I JUST..... WHAT IS THE POINT ...HOW ON EARTH IS
 kajnekgjbdekjrgakjrgkjnrgukrgkrjgbkjrgsnlrn

RIGHT!!!
So I got it working and when I finish writing this im going to play. Im not really at home with technology. One day im worried in going to blow mount crazy all over the keybored and kill the thing with a boot to the RAM.
Well anyway , ramble over for the day, TTFN

P.S. Ive downloaded Arkahm Asylum. Not Arckham CITY. FUCKIT, im away to play with lego

It's a sex thing.....kinda

Hiya
So....Most of you know Im no longer a single man. This means that  a portion of my time is taken up by sighing out of the window, worrying why the other person hasn't texted, and getting embarrassed when people ask me how things are going.
Now as we know the internet is a vast, informative, mass of half backed theory's, bigotry and people being simply 'wrong'. Never was this more proven to me when I googled 'how to turn her on'
Now let me pause here for one second. I was simply looking for ideas and get that expression off your face, we are all adults here. Sheesh.
Anyway, what I found both stunned and frankly amused the crap outta me. Now let me re-iterate these came under the heading of SEX tips and by all means , ladies or gents, if you disagree with me then by all means tell me.
So these are the top six, why six? because I like to take it one step further my friends, best/worst ones I found
1.Buy her some lacy underwear and then pass them too her under the table at dinner. Its fun, a little naughty and she can model them for you later.
 What?? seriously? "Hun, here are some pants, nip into the ladies and stick 'em on will you"
Lets set aside for one second the mine field that is buying women clothing 'you think im WHAT size!??' and just focus on the fact that this is just nasty. Its not even wrapped, they could belong to anyone. infact im surprised thats not part of the tip " Why dont you save money by using some of your ex's that you kept" shudder
2.Wear her name. She will love that you are always on her mind.
Actually this would work. Well in that if you walked around with the name 'Sally' or 'Tiffany' around your neck it would mean you would never have a chance to cheat on your better half. Also this season the 'girlfriends name ankle bracelet. Comes in four stunning colours
3Leave love notes around her house. On the fridge door, in the oven, in the pantry, under her pillow. She will go around like a love sick teen all day.
 I love this one especially because it was written by a women. And lets just think for a second what these notes will say?? 
'Thinking of you', as she thinks...'how did he get in my house to plant this....is he still here??'
'you're my best friend' she thinks ' urr no my best friend is sally in accounting, seriously did he make himself a key?
Also did u notice many of the notes were kitchen related? Perhaps women should do the opposite. Leave post-its around the house for the man in her life
"Aim when you pee".
"are those dishes still there?"
4Stash a photo of her in your wallet. She'll deny it of course but all women have a rummage. Why not turn it to your advantage.
So what they are saying here is 1.  ( yes its a list within a list, list-ception, get over it) its perfectly acceptable for your misses to go through your stuff ??!2. you should trick her into thinking the picture is a sweet gesture when really its manipulation. 3. hell while ur at it you should stuff some pretend incriminating evidence in her house so u can 'stumble across it' at a later date so you can use it against her in-case you fuck up
5The 'no more' move. During foreplay simply stop and ask her what you should do next. It will get her mind whirling with thoughts and may surprise you both.
I included this because apart from anything else its an actual SEX tip. So few were. So tell me ladies and gents. Really. If you and your partner are engaging in some fun and suddenly one stops looks you up at you with those big green/blue/brown eyes and says " what do i do now?"
On a scale of 1 to jonny depp your pretty much....."Wow is that the time? I have to wash my dog and feed my hair ok byeeee"




6Make yourself sick. Women love to take care of their men. Especially when they are ill
 This is the one that inspired me to do this blog. Has this person ever met a women? for that matter have they ever encountered a man when he's ill. Can you think of a more depressing, pathetic, heap of used tissue than a guy when he's ill?? And again note the scemeing, twisting nature of this MAKE yourself ill?? what the FUCK is that?!?!?


So to conclude I would say that the internet is a treasure trove of every perverted image, video and story you can conceive of but when it actually comes down to having sex its clear that its run by computer nerds who have never touched boob
Till next time, ttfn

It's a girlfriend thing

So!
Hullo, been a while, will do this more often etc etc.
I have a girlfriend now, and yes im sure your all rolling youre eyes and thinking ho hum, now hes in a realtionship this means the pissing and moaning will stop and you'll stop readin these but this is not the case!!
Pissing and moaning is what being scottish is all about so dont worry
What I will say is how strange it feels, how odd that once upon a time , about the time apes were thinking it might be a jolly fun idea to start using tools. I was in a relationship. A long one too, one that laster 10 years.
When my ex and I broke up I kinda assumed that was it for me. Obvisluy i didnt just give up because if i had I would have had a date with a .45 and a bottle of jack but the point is. 29 year old re-entering the dating world after being away for so long and only having had one gf, weeeeeellll. It didnt look good.
Then of course u add to this i made the stunningly handsome move to go back to uni.
Now I was a 30 something, surrounded by 20 somethings. Genuis.
It looked bleak.
Sure I danced with some girls, well dancing guy did..
and asked for some numbers, well dancing guy did....
I may have even kissed some people, well dancing guy did......
But I was not closer.
Thank goodness for birthdays.
For me the thing that most surprised me was the little things id missed, I mean i have friends, good friends, who will listen to my problems, or cheer me up or 101 other things good friends do.
But...
They wont hold ur hand while u go out shopping, or sit in bed and agree with ur rants about how shite the lead actress is , and how there are so few good role models in movies for women......I feel this is a blog for another time.
Aaaaaanny way....wtf was I..?
Oh yeah so, its the little things that make it all worth while, the smell of hair or the roll of eyes when your joke isnt funny. MAKES the realationship.
Next time. what is sex like after no having had any for 2 years...
i am of course kidding
it was 3 years
ttfn :D

Its a technology thing 2

Soooo the other day the internet went down.
It was down for less than 24 hours. And I was completely lost. At first I felt mild irritation, then a slight but rising panic. What was I going to do? Read a book? I've read them all. Write something? I wouldn't be able to look things up. Go to the gym........
Moving on! Point is I dont consider.....Oh yeah and my fuckin kindle lost battery and went dead so I couldnt even read anything.....anyway point is I don't consider myself to be particularly technology dependent. I hate technology, xboxe's red ring around me, watches stop, another thing, mobile phones freeze and so on.
So at first I was confused but then I realised its not technology, its the internet.
Have I said Hi yet? I normally say hi first....Hrrmm, no i didnt. So uh....Hi :)
What was I talki...oh thats right.
Think about it, every interest u have is stored there.
Like to read? Amazon.com for books electronic or otherwise and wiki for other stuff search related.
Watch movies? yeah dont get me started
And of course there is what the internet is REALLY famous for, yep u guessed it
Cat vidoes.
More than half our lives take place now , bloggs, tweets, fb, on and on. And what do with this wonderful box of tricks?
Hur hur hur, look a picture of a kitty wearing a hat, its thinks its people, dawwwww

Cough...anyway,
Ach im not moralizing im the worst of the bunch, it just think that perhaps once in a while we should get out and spend some time with the three dimensional people.
There is far too much to take in here, more to do that can ever be done........no wait, thats the lion king.
Did you SEE that they added another song to the lion king???!!?!! I mean what the hell man?
You cant go back in time and change things like that. Its simply unnaceptable.
Time can be re-written, but not those times. not.one.word.
I fear ive gotten off topic...
Nevertheless, Disney get it sorted

It's a sunscreen thing

Hi,
You've heard the song sunscreen no doubt? Oh yeah you have its the one that's all meaningful and stuff and makes you cry...well some people obviously not me cos im a manly man who owns tools and stuff...grrrr.
Anyway, you'll know the one I mean.
It has always read like a list of things you'd like to say to your kid on his wedding day or something. You know, this is everything i've learned so far do with it what you will
Well this is everything ive learned so far...
Ladies and gentlemen of the year 2012... I will dispense this advice....now
Laugh, especially when you don't feel like it, you'd be surprised just how a good laugh can get you through. Look at yourself, a picture from say 5 years ago. thats what you will look like to yourself 5 years in the future, ie. wow i looked really good then...
Watch, read, listen to what you like, as long as you like it. Ignore people who tell you that disagree or says its rubbish.
Dance like no-one is watching especially when people are.
Time moves quickly so you cant waste it on people who dont deserve it. Breaking up with a friend who is no longer a friend is hard but has to be done.
Excersise.
comfort food is so called for a reason be it a cheeseburger, a big bowl of mushroom soup or a chocolate bar, its there to make you feel better, dont mix guilt into it when your eating it. Your ruining ur own pleasure.
Dont feel bad if you dont know where your going. even if your 20, 30 , 40. if you skip to the end, you will get your wish and learn nothing.
be the person you want to be, not the one you think you should be. If your an asshole, i cant help you.
travel, learn and if it all goes wrong  shrug and say " theres always next time"
a good cry is natural and can get you through the next day.
Once in a while, look around at your table of friends, with their daft humour, the way she laughs and the way he always scratches his head when he's trying to think and hold onto that moment in your mind. That way you can look back  and think " I too was loved"
But trust me on the dancing

It's a budget thing

 HI!, As I was eating a pie sandwich the other day and wondering why I don't loose more weight I go on the subject of food.
Specifically how when students like myself get to end of our month, student month starts on the 7th deal with it, we start having to cut corners on our food budgets. I mean sure when you get payed to begin with you do crazy shit like get the burger with cheese AND bacon ( livin the dream baby) but when it gets to the ......um..the 1st?
Oh fml is it april 1st?? One of the most painfully unfunny days of the year.
Remember the spaghetti trees thing?? Sigh aaaanyway....what was I? oh yeah food
So advice on streatching your last tenner at the and of the month
1.dont buy beers
2.if you must MUST buy cheese the premier shop sells a block at the moment for £1
3. supernoodles is totally a dinner meal
4.you can put almost anything between two slices of bread and call it 'a sammich'
5.fresh fruit and veg is reasonably priced if u get it in bulk and quite filling
6.water is your friend
7.dont go to the union ( see point 1)
8.if you buy ingredients rather than ready meals you use the ingredients to make many meals.
example; onion, peppers and chicken. is like 5 meals. and will cost you about £5. where as it costs £3.99 for one ready meal and tastes like ass
9.soup is your friend
10.shop around, places like liddles sell really chepo stuff for some stuff......I still wouldnt trust the meat from there. Discounted meat fills me with terror
There are tons more but i really should be writing my story, I'll do another one at some point...prolly
P.S being drunk makes anything edible.....
Tffn, C

It's a realization thing

HI!
I consider myself a nice guy, In fact you will have heard me de-cry this more than likey
"I'm a nice guy so why......"
Ive always tried to be a nice person, tried to do the right thing in situations that call for it etc. However as I was playing battlefield 3 last night It suddenly occurred to me "Im not really nice at all"
Oh before u all go nuts let me explain.
I was overaggressive, sarcastic, passive agressive, winey, childish , hot tempered. The list goes on. What im tring to say is that its easy to abstain from sweets when its not raining candy.
Im nice when things are fine but the minute I got into a stressful situation, ie, playing this game it turned into a brat.
So what the hell? Ive spent my whole life watching what i say and tring to keep my temper in check and ive failed? How much do i have to do? At what point do u get to say " im  a good person now" Sheesh

In other news the weather here has been fantastic recently. I think its true that when you have bad times the good ones are so much sweeter and thats certainly true for the scots and the sun. We dont get enough of it, in fact we have all sorts of brittle bones etc problems as we really dont have enough vitamin D in our diet.
Ever had a craving for something out of no-where. Like bananananas? or cheeseburgers......yeah thats prolly not one, i just love cheeseburgers.......wait here one sec i have to get something real quick.

ok im back....what the hell was i talk...wait i remember, yeah ,
Suddenly you just want one. Well thats ur body craving whatever vitamin or minerals can be found in that food. ( incase ur wondering the vitamin in cheeseburgers is CH3-BR3) Well its the same with sunlight, scots just dont get enough, and so when it comes we strip off and run towards the nearest patch of green stuff.
So there you go. Scots.. we dont have enough sun: the more you know

It's a study thing

Hi :)
So how do you study? Not as an easy to answer question as it sounds.
Everyone does it differantly, Some need silence, others need people round them. Others still can only study at him with the door shut and ac/dc blasting.
To each thier own. Its actually comparable to asking someone how they read, or for that matter who they write.
Im very specific. When I study/write essays I have to be in the library. There are far too many distractions at home. Books I could read, games I could play. Then of course there is the mother of all time wasters the internet.
When I write stories however I cant be disturbed and if you want to know badly I take it when someone tries to talk to me when I'm writing ask this guys liver since its the only part of him that survived
Plus you know what guys do when left on their own for any amount of time, that's right you guessed it, play call of Duty. So the house  ( for studying in any case) is a no go.
I think I like the library so much because it has the whiff of academia plus you get to socialize . I tried the union but its too balanced on the socialistic scale coupled with the fact if you can smell beer you cant study , SCIENCE.
And the books are ready to hand as is the water machine which keeps me going in the same way that computers need electricity, some women need shoes, some guys need football and everyone needs clarkies pie shop.
Oh also if I spend too much time on my own I get....weird. Like locked into my own head, trapped in a constant cycle of my own thoughts, caged within.......whoa, it nearly happened there.
So asking someone is like asking someone how do you eat eggs? Scrambled, boiled , fried, poached, battered? It doesn't matter because in the end. You get to eat an egg.
You'd think I'd have a point to all this so you're clearly new here
ttfn :)

Its tipsy thing

Hullo :). Since I didnt want to do a drunk blog Alison suggested I do a typsy once instead. So here we go, three beers in.
Thoughts so far....Im hungry. I want to go dancing
Right thats, that out of my system.
Now if ur reading this you are prolly hungover since it will be sunday, and u went to paddies day. I hope you had fun, drunk something green, and woke up wearing an amusing hat.
I have often wondered why we dont celebrate st andrews day like we do st paddy. Perhaps, green just goes with everything, perhaps it falls on an awkward day every year or perhaps we all might die.
Think about it, nothing is more dangerous than a drunk scot who is a) drunk b) feelin patriotic.
The ones that didnt die of violence on the day would die the next of alchol poisoning.
And that would be the end of scotland. No more haggis :(. No more wisky :O no more 4 differant types of weather in the space of five minutes, no more days when its warm but a cold breeze blows in, just for a second,  with a hint of the sea.
It would be aweful.
SO for the sake of everyone, no st andrews day.
Aye so your prolly hungover and reading this with one eye open and a bacon sammich in one hand (or grilled avacado for any veggies/vegans in the audience) and a biiiiiiiig glass of water in the other.......Actually mate your hand is shaking, u better put that water in a bottle with a screw on top since ur next to ur laptop. On you go we'll wait.........
Cool, i feel better now.
So to sign off last year i wrote a silly poem in a few minutes about paddies day, so ill do the same again this year.

You drank mighty and you drunk fine,
You spewed green in the gutter,
'heh look guys threw up a  lime',
U danced on the bar and behaved like a nutter

Now the green is on your gills,
your head pounds and you gut swells,
'never again' you promise yourself
as you chuck booze away you found on the shelf

But then, something stirs, like a caged mountain lion
It calls to you, with the voice of  a siren
You cant resist,you run at a sprint
Its tuesday now, time for SKINT

ttfn :)

Its a new thing

Welcome to 2012 everyone :)
(its march i know....shut up)
For some reason, im not going to question it, I have 42 views today. This has inspired me to write some nonsense.
I'm coming to the end of third year now and its forcing me to ask the big questions. What am i going to do after uni? What will my life be once this whole crazy ride is over? Just how will one tree hill end?
The fact is I  dont know. The reason I dont know is because im scared
Scared to think of my life once uni is over. Im happy, happy for the first time in....Well. A long time.
i dont want it to end, any of it. Lunches in the library, Skint nights out, having a large group of friends to call on, having close friends, who i just sit and watch the telly with and be content, doing something that i love, fuck even writing essays.
Is it just because I was never keen on the whole real world thing? Of growing up?
Its possible.
i find it more likely that im just happy and I dont want it to end. Its  a special kind of torment for students you know, to realize your life as it is has a defiate ending.
However
and this is a big one
I changed my life, radically, I moved cities, left every mate I had, my support structure. BUT it was a good decision. The best one ive made. The beauty of change is that if it happens it can lead onto something even better. If it doesnt?? CHANGE IT! simple as. Life is too short to stay in a situation ur miserable in.
And I know what your saying, Its not always as easy as that. But it doesnt have to be an over night thing. Even changing something small can be so good for u.
Anyway, this is all old stuff. Things im almost sure ive said before and here I am prattling on about doing something new.
So here it is, something new. When this essay is done im going to start sending off stuff to publishers again.
A writer once said " I want to fly! to soar near the clouds" and his wife replyed "first finish your eggs"
Well ive finished my eggs. :D
ttfn, new blogs comin

my dilemma

HI!
So I'm sure you are wondering why you haven't heard from me in a while. Well this blog is called ramblings but frankly it should be called rantings because the times i feel most compelled to write a blog is when im hacked off at something. Hence my dilemma.
You see things are kinda ok for me at the moment. More ok than they have been in a long time. So when every things going fine what do you write about?
I'm glad you asked.
I was thinking of doing an advice thing, you know for weight loss, See i spent a loo--ha--ooong time on the Internet tyring to find advice on weight loss and exercise. Not a quick fix, not pills or surgery. Nothing like that. I just wanted advice i could follow and there is nothing.
Nothing out there for people who just want to loose weight and arnt bothered about a little hard work. What do you think?
I'll put it here and of course the links ill be on facebook but i thought id see what you'll thought. Frankly I'm a little worried that someone who looks like i do shouldn't really be giving out nutritional advice.
Anyway let me know.
That aside
Uni doesn't start for another month at least and I'm going nuts. I miss my friends, I miss hanging out, I miss having people to talk too. I'm nearly half way through the pile of book i have set out and frankly i thought it would take me longer to get through them.
Hahahaha, look at that i have things to complain about after all, heh

its a drunk thingk 7

So, drunk blogging number 7 i think
Howr you doing?
Im ok but i worry for my friends. My life as it is right now is a no score draw. No realtionship, no job ( but student so its ok) but on the other hand no drama. If im honest i kinda miss drama, dont get me wrong bland has its benifits. But if you ave neather highs nor lows then you slide into the beige. this is bad.
Your life is defined by the events that happen in it if you have no events the your life has no meaning. I think that u have to suffer indignanty, heartbreak and abuse before you know what its all about
look i dnont have the answers, i wish i did but its just not my gift. out there someone knoews the exact words to say but its not me
but bak to my mates.
recenrtly alot of my friends have had to deal with things they realy sholdnt have tp. its not fair. they are good people and yet stuff happens to them wworthy of a neal gamen comic.
i pride myself on bein g the guy who everyone  omes too with problems.
i WANT to be the guy everyone comes too
that said here is my advice
1 you will never make it unless you surround yourself with good people, not people who just agrrree with you
2you need to be honest wih youself, im not talking self depricaring , im talkig honest homnest
3 you neeed someone who loves you for who you are, and then will put up with you for the next 50 years
5dont let yourself get caught up in yourhead tpo much , its not a good place o be
6if ur unsure talk to someone about it
7 and most omportant : the act of observice changes the very thing you are observiing. This is a univeral law, considr that when thinking about youself or indeed others
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Size doesn't matter

So they say size doesn't matter. This is true to an extent if you truly love someone then how tall, short, fat, thin they are shou...
well what did you think I was....
you people are filthy.
Anyway size doesn't matter so answer me this. WTF is a size "8" say?
Now when It comes to guy sizes it makes sense.  28 inches is 28 inches. Its a measurement that can be quantified and also gives you an idea of what size you are. With women its different size 10 means nothing. Its an arbitrary number. They could have called it "pinnini" and it would make the same amount of sense.
The really infuriating thing is that I could sort of see there point if these arbitrary numbers were the same across the bored. A 12 is a 12 in M&S, PRIMARK or TOPSHOP but its not. An M&S 12 is different from a TOPSHOP 12.
(Its not just  a 12 its a M&S 12, mmmmmm foood)
aaaanyway.
Point is that not only does the number mean nothing its no even a consistent imaginary number. What makes a size 10 different from a size 12?? Gain a little holiday weight? Well you gone up by 2.
Wait ...what???
Oh but only if you shop here. If you shop HERE then you've gone down 4.
Your just making shit up now right?
sadly no
This extends to male ware too to an extent. An XL shirt is different in every store you go into. On me an XL from PRIMAK fits like a dream ( if I were an African elephant) however if I try to squeeze my increasingly (L) frame into an XL from TOPMAN its like trying to put a double duvet into a single duvet cover.
Its horseshit.
Then of course there is size zero...
Who the FUCK thought introducing a size zero was a good idea. Surely size zero is dead??

"removes sunglasses"
"What have we got?"
"well serge it looks like she died when she bent down to pick up a pencil and she snapped in half"
"death by stationary how.... pointless"
"good one serge"

By adding a baseline of zero they have given lots of invulnerable teenage girls something to aim for. Before it was just "skinny as possible" now its "death"?
Now i am no fan of math, frankly one day I feel like math and I are going to have to have a gladiatorial fight to the death one day but frankly i think there has to be an alternative to this random bullcrap. If you are going to assign a random number at least make it consistent with other stores

A letter to myself

So my flatmate just gave me a good idea. He said that he used to write letters to himself when he was younger and it was very theraputic. I am aware that your not supposed to show these to people ...but you know me. I can't keep anything to myself. The thing is that I am so forgiving of everyone but myself so this should be interesting to try out. Here goes... Oh also I really suggest you all do this. I hear its good times.

Dear Chris, How are you? Im fine. I hear you've got exams right now and I know how stressed you get about things so I just wanted to say relax and try not to procrastinate too much LOL kidding. I have been meaning to write for a while because I have some things to say. I must warn you, there is going to be some compliments, and I know you hate those.
You're actually a good guy you know that right? You have some weird thing in your head that tells your not but I think it might be time to let go of all the things that were said to you in school dont you? That was a long time ago, you were differant and so they were they. Plus you were all kids a loooong time ago time to move on.
You just had a birthday right? Wow 31, you kinda old hehehehe. I'm so proud of you for getting back into uni and managing to get to at least 2nd year. Academics never seemed to be your thing so it cool that you managed to change that. Have you given any thought to what your doing next? I suppose there is still time to think about that. Actually it perhaps to start taking the writing thing seriously. Write every day that kind of thing .I think you might be able to make it as a writer I really do.
I also like the fact that you have accepted your oddness recently, you used to kind of fight it when you were a kid and yeah I know everyone is unique and so therefore no-one is but you do seem to think in a squed way which is awesome. Your like part cartoon.
OK the girlfriend thing. It gonna happen mate. It happened once before and I know you never thought that would happen ever so youve been wrong before. Plus your older and wiser now . Besides you have been at uni for 2 years now so I have to assume your at least 2 years old. Move on you plonker hehehe.
Keep the gym and diet going, nice one on all that weight loss but you have to keep it up or you'll end up a tubby again :). That said your not as fat as you think you are. In fact pretty soon you wont be able to use the fat thing as an excuse. You know what im talking about.
Anyway It's been fine catching up maby write me back some time.
Yrs, Penfold

P.S Would it kill you to at least try and pay yourself a compliment once in a while the self depricating thing was so 10 years ago, sheesh.



well.....that was ..............weird
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Its a drukn thing 10

So her's what happejed. A women asked for a water at the queue for clarkies....lik etwenty minutes mago. and th guy next to her bought it for her. She was an attractive women and i got pisssy about it. So when she ordered her food i said "will you pay for this yourself?" i did not expect the reaction I got.
She was alsmost in tears
"I dont know why that guy got me a water for free, im sorry"
I said "but your an attractive women surly you get stuff bought for u all the time"
she was actually in tears by this point
"no. im sorry, i dont know wht ur tlking about, leave me alone"
yeah that right i upset an attractive womn cos i assumed she knerw it.
NOw this is very disturbing to me. I always think i know exatlywha i look like, i have a very clear picture in my head what my issueds are. HOwever t would appear that i dont know shit.
I have always porided myself on knowing what is going on ith women, its lik my thing. But this was soimething differant, she seesmed to have no idea what the problem was.
I said to her that i was sorrry and that i had judged her badly, that because she waas attractive i had made an assumtion that was not only untrue ut unfair. Again she did not clcik on.
i felt my own eyes fill with teaRS .
is it really that bad? do women feel so little for themselves? this is bad .do you realise just how men view you? i am sure u have a negative sterio type in your head of how it is but ther is  a purity behin irt.
You are stunning
Im serious, see that small curve in you tummy that u hte so much? guy LOVE that, its hot. A little tummy is awesome. You think ur butt ius to big? fuck that nonsence guys think that hot too.
I could go on but its more than that. You are beautiful, not only because u are phisically attrativr but because u have understanding. You get us! no-one has ever "got us" b efore and here is tis wonderful , attractive amazing women who get it!! how can that not be sexy?
I just dont think  you know how beautiful you are. The way you laugh it off when we pay you a  compliment, the way you say good morning when the day starts, the way you give us a random hug, Its so perfect :D
Thankyou
Wwe love you, just the ewy you are

Of exams and self truth

Hiya
Soo for a while now, and by a while I mean 31 years or so I have been somewhat...self deprecating about myself. Now most of the time It's just me trying to be funny ( i do that). However it recently been brought to my attention that its not the most attractive quality. Who wants to spend time with someone who is down on themselves all the time after all.
I have had success recently with setting a goal and actually doing it (weight loss heh) so this is my plan. Perhaps ease up on the self depreciating humour. I'm not going to promise that I'll succeed absolutely right away after all its a hard habit to break.
Now thinking back i don't even know when it started. I was always like this weird, funny etc but when did the self ...hating thing start. i think it was high school. I always felt sorry for myself in primary school but didn't hae the mental capacity to understand just how much it wold affect me. But in high school is when it kicked off. I wont bore you with it all. Ive mentioned how much i hated that place until the tale has gone stale so we'll skip it.
Point is that it became a way of taking the insults as my own and so therefore i was in control.
However surrounded as i am by people who don't wish me ill it makes the coping technique a bit redundant
SO!
For a week I'll try and not "be that guy" im not going to turn into pure ego but for a change i'll try not and be someone who is down on himself.
Scary stuff.
Whats else is going on right now?
Revision.
I have an uneasy relationship with revision. When I was about 15 or so my parents would make me revise for exams and in my clever way i would dig my heals in and just not. That shows them, I thought, I'll not study HAH!
And then I failed my exams
So when it comes around for exam time nowadays I never feel like I do enough. Plus I still have a healthy dose of laziness about my personality heh. But then who doesn't.
Someone said that their definition of insanity is trying something the same way every time and expecting something different every time.
My revision is like that.
I do nothing, expect to pass and then dont.
See, crazy :)
Aaaaaanyway. i want to say to everyone, Good luck with your exams. Try not to worry too much you'll be grand. And i wont slag myself anymore....for a week heh
This post was brought to you by BUDWISER

Chris empty's the bins

To let you understand I'm a little hungover.
I go into the kitchen to make a snack and see my flatmates have being playing bin jenga. How this is played is when the bin is full just pile more and more crap on top of it until something falls off. The person who makes the crap fall off has to empty the bin. We all cry "jenga" and I die a little inside.
Fetid stink of bin makes my head pound. Go into drawer to find bin liners. There is none. Straighten up and stair into the middle distance I I calculate the likely hood of sending out a flatmate, realise I can't calculate the number of feet i have right now. Give up.
Go into room out one sock on. Cant find other sock. Feel bitter tears begin to well up but choke them down. Decide "Fuck socks" with a muttered grumble and put shoes on. Find keys and bank card.
Stumble out of house and down close, open door to outside and scream as the sun burns my eyes and sets fire to my hair. Stumble down to cross roads of death . NO traffic, look left , then right, then left. Take one step.
HOOOOOOOOONK
car screetches round corner.
Decide to wait for green man. Wait. meantime old people dodder across empty road, small children frolic across it like its an enchanted meadow. I stoically stay of side of road ignoring the points and derisory laughter.
Green man appears along with high pitched beeping with each beep hammering into skull like nails into sheet metal.
Walk to bank machine. put card in. stare at keypad until it tells me what the number is. put number in and read the screen "we are dealing with your request"
Begin to mutter darkly about the phrasing. We are dealing ?? deal nothing give me my money. Request?? its not a fucking request its a fucking order, give me my money.
Machine gives me my money and tells me to have a nice day, i tell it to fuck off.
Get into shop. March past the magazines of despair but read to quickly and accidentally catch one of the titles
"I have had seven miscarries but im desperate for a baby!" Fight black urge to kill self at the monumental fuckery of this sentence and carry on.
Search aisles unseeingly already forgotten what im in the shop for. Suddenly remember.
£2!! for fucking 10 bins bags??? why don't i just bend over?
Pick up a few other bits and peaces including something for dinner.
two people at checkout. 1 hot chick 2 old guy who drove a t -Rex to work when he was younger.
sigh at the sad inevitability of it all.
i get old guy
picks up items one at a time stairs at them like its the first time he's ever seen one and then scans it.
four hours later he's done and I can go on my way
Totter back to the flat and begin emptying bin. there is enough crap left over to fill another bin bag. Take bins down. On returning to my flat my flatmate is in the kitchen cheerfully telling me there was bin bags in the drawer after all.
I try and fry him alive using my hex vision by sheer force of will. it fails.
sit heavily at computer chair a broken husk of a man and begin typing...

The three type of people

There are 3 types of people in this world. The introverts. The extroverts. Then there is me ;)
The introverts: Frank how you get that cut on your forehead
Uh I cut myself shaving
But...Its on your foreh.....
SHAVING!
The extroverts: Frank how you get that cut on your forehead?
Whoa! There was this women and she was being attacked. by two NO three guys with baseball bats, no, machetes.. Tell a lie it was 4 guys...... and a tiger
Me: Chris how you get that cut on your forehead?
Well.....I was in the shower, and I sneezed. Cracking my face off the wall. Disorientated and in pain I got soap in my eyes (and in the cut). I tried to find the water again, my eyes squeezed shut, and fell out of the shower. I lay on the floor, naked, bleeding and in pain.
And then the cat walks in (oh this story happened a few years ago now btw). The cat has always hated me and I can clearly see in her eyes the spill words "Another proud moment for you Chris?"
Then it decides my back would make a good bed. She hops up to my back and tried to curl up. I try and shake her off and she digs the claws in.
Can you imagine if more people were like me?
Can you imagine if you boss showed up late for work and his reason for being late was not his car broke down or he slept in? But he'd locked himself out of his house naked and when he'd tried to get his neighbours to help they called the police.
I think the world would be a happier place. True Id have to find a new thing to make me unique but id be willing to take the hit :)
Something to think about

Its a drunk thing part..um prolly 4 or 5??

So! Hiya!
What I wanted to talk about today is something a little different from the norm because usually when something pops into the empty abyss that is my skull it is because it is something that i know something about or have personally experienced but today I want to talk about being gay.
Like most gay people I knew right from the start what I looked for in a partner however because I'm straight It was an easy thing. I never had to sit my parents down, look them straight in the eye and say " mom dad I like bewbs".
Frankly in this day and age the fact that being gay is still an issue frankly annoys the crap out of me. When was the last time you actually talked to someone actually cared wither or not you were gay, straight or even a star trek fan?? You cant remember can you? See i grew up in the 80's where being gay was only just coming into the mainstream and frankly the people that came after me had even more tolerance in their side. I look forward to the day when my niece and nephew say something like "oh look theres Brians dads. Aww arnt they cute together" because that's where its all headed. And i know im sure some of you wil say thats a rather rose tinted view but frankly I honestly think that's where its headed.
Why has this come up? well i saw a picture recently of an older guy , in his 80's say and he was hlding a sign saying "gay for 80 years and proud of it" or something. and it being the interwebs there were many...MANY comment underneath it. Some were funny, other encouraging other still didn't give a crap but there were some that were still very negative.Now i am not and never will be the person who says my opnions are right and every one else is wrong but disliking someone for being gay is like disliking someone for having red hair or glasses. Its just part of what makes them who they are.
I think the problem is that most gay people come to associate there identity with their sexuality simly because some people have such a opposing view point of it. And who hear amoung us has not wanted to be different at some point. No im serious, everyone reading this has at some point wanted to NOT be one of the sheep. youve died your hair, or got a piercing or started wearing superhero t shirts when ur in your 30's....or whatever...coff.
aaanyway. what im trying to say is that it so shouldn't matter that i should delete this whole thing!! noone cares anymore! being gay is no longer an issue or shouldn't be and and i think that is something to celebrate.
Going back to the beginning here. I dont know what its like to be gay, or what its like to be judged for loving the peope you love but i do know what its like to be viewed as different.
So thats my two sence on it. Gnight and listen to your uncle chris, dont drink and blog. its not good for you