Its a movie thing

Hullo, 
I love films. Ever since my dad took me to see Indiana Jones and the last crusade I've been in love with the fact it takes you away from all this for two hours. The spectacle of it all makes me happy in the brain. I also love the cinema experience as well, the smell of popcorn, the laughably over priced snacks I even enjoy the bit where it goes

Drrum Drum, Drrum Drum.. Drururururu Drum Drum.

Da dadada - da da da da da dah - dada da da da da da da da du da da, dadada.. drum.

Du du du duu, DAMDADAM.. du du du duu, DAMDADADAM.. du du du DUU, DADADADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM DRUM!

However there is something I don't like about it. Something that makes me want to watch pirated DVDs or stream films where I watch them through a letter box sized opening

it's people. The masses. The bastards!

So I thought Id make a list of the types that I hate so you can avoid them more easily.

Number 5.

The VIP.

The VIP is someone who is far too important to A turn their phone off ( and im some cases even turn the sound OFF) and B must check everything every day. This is a realitivly new annoyance but one that grows with each passing day. They do the rounds on their texts then facebook then twitter and before long they are illuminating their little bit of the cinema with their 1.21 gigawatt screen and laughing at tumblr posts while your chew your own liver in frustration.

What can you do?

Most cinemas have a strict policy on anyone 'pirating' their films so you could always tell an usher that what the VIP is doing. If you don't want to take such drastic steps Id suggest moving. You dare not anger the VIP. they can destroy you with 145 characters no sweat.

Number 4.

The kicker.

"Help me 'DUNT' obi-one kenobi 'DUNT' you're my only 'DUNT hope 'DUNT'

Sigh. You are enjoying the film, you imerced in the story fully. Except some twat face is kicking the chair you are sitting in out of boredom  emphasis or they have fault a cinema rat crawl up their trouser leg. ( they are no joke, they feed on the mutant popcorn and some are as big as small dogs) Its worse if its a comedy because they will kick the chair with every giggle

heDUNTheDUNTheDUNT

What can you do?

Sometimes its a mistake so simply mentioning it to them is enough to get them to stop but every now and then they can get agressive. And you know how powerful their kicks are. If this happens upend your popcorn over their head and hope the suffocate in fake butter

Number 3.

The clueless

Whats happening now? Why  did they go in their? Is that the killer? Whoes that?  

WE DONT FUCKING KNOW OK!!! WE KNOW AS MUCH AS YOU. WE ARE WATCHING THE SAME FILM!!!!

For some reason the clueless has escaped their minder and wandered into a film screening. Hopefully the darkness will convince them its night time and they will fall asleep before you are forced to put an end to their suffering.

What can you do?

Move. Entering into a dialogue with the clueless is like  a broken pencil. Pointless

Number 2.

The person with kids

Ok so this might be an unpopular one. 

And before you ask, no. I don't have kids of my own.

However, if i did. I wouldn't take them to a film until they are AT LEAST 10.

You see its very much like taking them to a restaurant , other people are there to get away from their lives for 40 minutes or so and if they have to deal with a screaming, puking, talking ball of goo then you are ruining that for them. I'm not sure why so many people think that kids will be able to sit for two hours in a dark room without having some kind of ADHD fit but they do.

What can you do?

Nothing. You cant talk about other peoples kids. They dont like it

Number 1.

The grazer

The anger sharks are swimming in my head. 

Nothing annoys me more than some .....some.......BASTARD who has decided that while everyone else is sitting quietly he/she will commence eating. I saw one women once with a  bloody picnic basket!. Im suprised she didn't put a tartan blanket down! I had half a mind to join her and ask if she had eaten all the sausage rolls yet. 

There is a time to eat, several in fact, during the day. Not one of those times is. 

"when other people are trying to watch the film"

Some special place in hell should be reserved for folk who bring individually wrapped toffees into a movie

Crinkle, crinkle, CRINKLE, crinkle. POP. nom, glop, smak, smak, glop, blort...........crinkle, crinkle

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What can you do?

Call the paramedics and tell them someone has only minutes to live because someone has taken some toffees and made a move goer completely air tight.

Anyway, I've got to head there. I'm away to see a film....

ttfn

It's a technology thing.....again

HI!!
So I got my new PC, well my dads old PC, but its stilll 3 years more advanced than my old one. Now this comes with its own problems namly remembering ever bloody password you have ever typed into everything. One day im going to have one password for everything but of course thats not safe. You would be just aswell having it as a post-it nots on your monator wich by the way ive seen people do.
Anyway.....
Im also downloading all my games back onto the PC.
It was all going fine, well as fine as sitting watching progress bars for a day goes. Untill i came across one game
Batman arkam city.
A good game and one i didnt really get a chance to play before my old computer, mayherestinpeace, went bye bye.  So In order to get it to run i must first
1.download steam. (time 10.45)
2.remember my password, after a few tries I get it right ( this only took 5 minutes and was by far the easiest step)
3.Down load the game, now my dads connection is good so I only had to sit for 20 minutes stairing at a screen
4.Click play ( this is where the problems, reeeeeeealy started)
5.upon hitting play a message chimes saying it needs updates. huh.... shouldnt that have done that automatically when i downloaded it? well never mind
6.more watching progress bars
7.click play again. this time it says cos this is the first time running this game on this PC it needs a systems check.
8.progress bar....
9.hit play ( this time the click is done with more force necassary, always a danger sign) enter your 14 digit product code? well its usually on the box but this was a digital down load. the only way to access it is to find it on steam. It..it wont let me click anything except on the red X or the boxes where the numbers should go. Finally quit out of the game and go back to steam. 'Copy' the numbers onto the mouse and then load the game up again.
10. 10 steps already and ive not even gotten to a menu yet.....
anyway
11.The boxes wont let me 'paste' the numbers in. I have to do it manually. Which means I have to quit out AGAIN and copy them all down. Except the house is going through the great pen and paper drought of  2012 to I take a picture on my phone.( By this time sweat has begun to pool  from my brow and im getting a headache)
12. I put the numbers in
13. i put the numbers in again because ive put 43 instead of 34. Dyslexia FTW
14. A MENU!!!. Hit play game
15. i must be signed into window live to play this enter my password??.....FUCKING!!!...no its fine, its fine..
16. enter several wrong passwords before giving up and saying ive forgotten, they send me an email with a link, I follow the link, re-enter the new password aaaaand, still doesnt work (Time: 11.32)
17.try it again, several more times before realiseing as its microsoft they are only going to allow my hotmail account not my yahoo one. Which means the business with the changing passwords has wasted time and will never work. why do they allow me to do this then? Why? Why not JUST FUCKING....deep breath
18 ok finally sign into windows live......windows live would like to update. NO FUCK OFF I WANT TO PLAY!!!!!
Windows live will not save youre game if you dont update.
DONT THREATEN ME YOU TWAT
FINE!! fine, update then......
19.Windows live will require a few minutes...loading screen
20.there is a new licence agreement...I agree
21. its deleated all my saves.....
I JUST..... WHAT IS THE POINT ...HOW ON EARTH IS
 kajnekgjbdekjrgakjrgkjnrgukrgkrjgbkjrgsnlrn

RIGHT!!!
So I got it working and when I finish writing this im going to play. Im not really at home with technology. One day im worried in going to blow mount crazy all over the keybored and kill the thing with a boot to the RAM.
Well anyway , ramble over for the day, TTFN

P.S. Ive downloaded Arkahm Asylum. Not Arckham CITY. FUCKIT, im away to play with lego

It's a sex thing.....kinda

Hiya
So....Most of you know Im no longer a single man. This means that  a portion of my time is taken up by sighing out of the window, worrying why the other person hasn't texted, and getting embarrassed when people ask me how things are going.
Now as we know the internet is a vast, informative, mass of half backed theory's, bigotry and people being simply 'wrong'. Never was this more proven to me when I googled 'how to turn her on'
Now let me pause here for one second. I was simply looking for ideas and get that expression off your face, we are all adults here. Sheesh.
Anyway, what I found both stunned and frankly amused the crap outta me. Now let me re-iterate these came under the heading of SEX tips and by all means , ladies or gents, if you disagree with me then by all means tell me.
So these are the top six, why six? because I like to take it one step further my friends, best/worst ones I found
1.Buy her some lacy underwear and then pass them too her under the table at dinner. Its fun, a little naughty and she can model them for you later.
 What?? seriously? "Hun, here are some pants, nip into the ladies and stick 'em on will you"
Lets set aside for one second the mine field that is buying women clothing 'you think im WHAT size!??' and just focus on the fact that this is just nasty. Its not even wrapped, they could belong to anyone. infact im surprised thats not part of the tip " Why dont you save money by using some of your ex's that you kept" shudder
2.Wear her name. She will love that you are always on her mind.
Actually this would work. Well in that if you walked around with the name 'Sally' or 'Tiffany' around your neck it would mean you would never have a chance to cheat on your better half. Also this season the 'girlfriends name ankle bracelet. Comes in four stunning colours
3Leave love notes around her house. On the fridge door, in the oven, in the pantry, under her pillow. She will go around like a love sick teen all day.
 I love this one especially because it was written by a women. And lets just think for a second what these notes will say?? 
'Thinking of you', as she thinks...'how did he get in my house to plant this....is he still here??'
'you're my best friend' she thinks ' urr no my best friend is sally in accounting, seriously did he make himself a key?
Also did u notice many of the notes were kitchen related? Perhaps women should do the opposite. Leave post-its around the house for the man in her life
"Aim when you pee".
"are those dishes still there?"
4Stash a photo of her in your wallet. She'll deny it of course but all women have a rummage. Why not turn it to your advantage.
So what they are saying here is 1.  ( yes its a list within a list, list-ception, get over it) its perfectly acceptable for your misses to go through your stuff ??!2. you should trick her into thinking the picture is a sweet gesture when really its manipulation. 3. hell while ur at it you should stuff some pretend incriminating evidence in her house so u can 'stumble across it' at a later date so you can use it against her in-case you fuck up
5The 'no more' move. During foreplay simply stop and ask her what you should do next. It will get her mind whirling with thoughts and may surprise you both.
I included this because apart from anything else its an actual SEX tip. So few were. So tell me ladies and gents. Really. If you and your partner are engaging in some fun and suddenly one stops looks you up at you with those big green/blue/brown eyes and says " what do i do now?"
On a scale of 1 to jonny depp your pretty much....."Wow is that the time? I have to wash my dog and feed my hair ok byeeee"




6Make yourself sick. Women love to take care of their men. Especially when they are ill
 This is the one that inspired me to do this blog. Has this person ever met a women? for that matter have they ever encountered a man when he's ill. Can you think of a more depressing, pathetic, heap of used tissue than a guy when he's ill?? And again note the scemeing, twisting nature of this MAKE yourself ill?? what the FUCK is that?!?!?


So to conclude I would say that the internet is a treasure trove of every perverted image, video and story you can conceive of but when it actually comes down to having sex its clear that its run by computer nerds who have never touched boob
Till next time, ttfn

It's a girlfriend thing

So!
Hullo, been a while, will do this more often etc etc.
I have a girlfriend now, and yes im sure your all rolling youre eyes and thinking ho hum, now hes in a realtionship this means the pissing and moaning will stop and you'll stop readin these but this is not the case!!
Pissing and moaning is what being scottish is all about so dont worry
What I will say is how strange it feels, how odd that once upon a time , about the time apes were thinking it might be a jolly fun idea to start using tools. I was in a relationship. A long one too, one that laster 10 years.
When my ex and I broke up I kinda assumed that was it for me. Obvisluy i didnt just give up because if i had I would have had a date with a .45 and a bottle of jack but the point is. 29 year old re-entering the dating world after being away for so long and only having had one gf, weeeeeellll. It didnt look good.
Then of course u add to this i made the stunningly handsome move to go back to uni.
Now I was a 30 something, surrounded by 20 somethings. Genuis.
It looked bleak.
Sure I danced with some girls, well dancing guy did..
and asked for some numbers, well dancing guy did....
I may have even kissed some people, well dancing guy did......
But I was not closer.
Thank goodness for birthdays.
For me the thing that most surprised me was the little things id missed, I mean i have friends, good friends, who will listen to my problems, or cheer me up or 101 other things good friends do.
But...
They wont hold ur hand while u go out shopping, or sit in bed and agree with ur rants about how shite the lead actress is , and how there are so few good role models in movies for women......I feel this is a blog for another time.
Aaaaaanny way....wtf was I..?
Oh yeah so, its the little things that make it all worth while, the smell of hair or the roll of eyes when your joke isnt funny. MAKES the realationship.
Next time. what is sex like after no having had any for 2 years...
i am of course kidding
it was 3 years
ttfn :D

Its a technology thing 2

Soooo the other day the internet went down.
It was down for less than 24 hours. And I was completely lost. At first I felt mild irritation, then a slight but rising panic. What was I going to do? Read a book? I've read them all. Write something? I wouldn't be able to look things up. Go to the gym........
Moving on! Point is I dont consider.....Oh yeah and my fuckin kindle lost battery and went dead so I couldnt even read anything.....anyway point is I don't consider myself to be particularly technology dependent. I hate technology, xboxe's red ring around me, watches stop, another thing, mobile phones freeze and so on.
So at first I was confused but then I realised its not technology, its the internet.
Have I said Hi yet? I normally say hi first....Hrrmm, no i didnt. So uh....Hi :)
What was I talki...oh thats right.
Think about it, every interest u have is stored there.
Like to read? Amazon.com for books electronic or otherwise and wiki for other stuff search related.
Watch movies? yeah dont get me started
And of course there is what the internet is REALLY famous for, yep u guessed it
Cat vidoes.
More than half our lives take place now , bloggs, tweets, fb, on and on. And what do with this wonderful box of tricks?
Hur hur hur, look a picture of a kitty wearing a hat, its thinks its people, dawwwww

Cough...anyway,
Ach im not moralizing im the worst of the bunch, it just think that perhaps once in a while we should get out and spend some time with the three dimensional people.
There is far too much to take in here, more to do that can ever be done........no wait, thats the lion king.
Did you SEE that they added another song to the lion king???!!?!! I mean what the hell man?
You cant go back in time and change things like that. Its simply unnaceptable.
Time can be re-written, but not those times. not.one.word.
I fear ive gotten off topic...
Nevertheless, Disney get it sorted

It's a sunscreen thing

Hi,
You've heard the song sunscreen no doubt? Oh yeah you have its the one that's all meaningful and stuff and makes you cry...well some people obviously not me cos im a manly man who owns tools and stuff...grrrr.
Anyway, you'll know the one I mean.
It has always read like a list of things you'd like to say to your kid on his wedding day or something. You know, this is everything i've learned so far do with it what you will
Well this is everything ive learned so far...
Ladies and gentlemen of the year 2012... I will dispense this advice....now
Laugh, especially when you don't feel like it, you'd be surprised just how a good laugh can get you through. Look at yourself, a picture from say 5 years ago. thats what you will look like to yourself 5 years in the future, ie. wow i looked really good then...
Watch, read, listen to what you like, as long as you like it. Ignore people who tell you that disagree or says its rubbish.
Dance like no-one is watching especially when people are.
Time moves quickly so you cant waste it on people who dont deserve it. Breaking up with a friend who is no longer a friend is hard but has to be done.
Excersise.
comfort food is so called for a reason be it a cheeseburger, a big bowl of mushroom soup or a chocolate bar, its there to make you feel better, dont mix guilt into it when your eating it. Your ruining ur own pleasure.
Dont feel bad if you dont know where your going. even if your 20, 30 , 40. if you skip to the end, you will get your wish and learn nothing.
be the person you want to be, not the one you think you should be. If your an asshole, i cant help you.
travel, learn and if it all goes wrong  shrug and say " theres always next time"
a good cry is natural and can get you through the next day.
Once in a while, look around at your table of friends, with their daft humour, the way she laughs and the way he always scratches his head when he's trying to think and hold onto that moment in your mind. That way you can look back  and think " I too was loved"
But trust me on the dancing

It's a budget thing

 HI!, As I was eating a pie sandwich the other day and wondering why I don't loose more weight I go on the subject of food.
Specifically how when students like myself get to end of our month, student month starts on the 7th deal with it, we start having to cut corners on our food budgets. I mean sure when you get payed to begin with you do crazy shit like get the burger with cheese AND bacon ( livin the dream baby) but when it gets to the ......um..the 1st?
Oh fml is it april 1st?? One of the most painfully unfunny days of the year.
Remember the spaghetti trees thing?? Sigh aaaanyway....what was I? oh yeah food
So advice on streatching your last tenner at the and of the month
1.dont buy beers
2.if you must MUST buy cheese the premier shop sells a block at the moment for £1
3. supernoodles is totally a dinner meal
4.you can put almost anything between two slices of bread and call it 'a sammich'
5.fresh fruit and veg is reasonably priced if u get it in bulk and quite filling
6.water is your friend
7.dont go to the union ( see point 1)
8.if you buy ingredients rather than ready meals you use the ingredients to make many meals.
example; onion, peppers and chicken. is like 5 meals. and will cost you about £5. where as it costs £3.99 for one ready meal and tastes like ass
9.soup is your friend
10.shop around, places like liddles sell really chepo stuff for some stuff......I still wouldnt trust the meat from there. Discounted meat fills me with terror
There are tons more but i really should be writing my story, I'll do another one at some point...prolly
P.S being drunk makes anything edible.....
Tffn, C